The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex.
It happens to be the one thing women find hard to give.
How often have we encountered the common notion that "All men desire is sex?" At the age of 17, I was convinced it held absolute truth. By the time I reached 37, I began to doubt its accuracy. And now, at the age of 73, I can confidently assert that it is indeed not true.
Allow me to clarify, sex can be a delightful aspect of life at any age, but there exists something of even greater significance than sex. Interestingly, it's something that men find challenging to acknowledge, and women often struggle to provide.
This realization has gradually unfolded before me, reaching its most profound clarity within the context of my men's group. I have consistently convened with six other gentlemen for a duration spanning thirty-eight years, and the subject of sex has consistently threaded through our conversations over time.
As is customary among men, a degree of competitiveness naturally exists, and we all aspire to be perceived as accomplished. However, we have also cultivated a culture of transparency within our group. Consequently, our discussions encompass not only our triumphant sexual experiences but also our setbacks, apprehensions, and uncertainties.
Since my youth, I acquired the belief that having a desire for sex was inseparable from the notion of being a man. I distinctly recall an incident from my high school years when I overheard a conversation between a girl I held an affection for and another male acquaintance of ours.
Her grievance wasn't that he was overly preoccupied with sexual matters, but rather that he "didn't express interest in me as other guys do." She further confided in her friend, remarking, "He's not displaying much masculinity." The message conveyed was crystal clear: "authentic men" possessed a craving for sex, and if you failed to make romantic advances toward a girl, you fell short of the mark of being a genuine man.
This initial lesson has consistently been affirmed over time: A constant craving for sex is often regarded as the emblem of masculinity by many. In the eyes of some, it is preferable to face repeated rejections and be perceived as someone overly fixated on sex, rather than to yearn for something beyond sex and risk being labeled as "less than a man."
Now, what holds greater significance to men beyond sex? It's a common belief that women require love to engage in sexual intimacy, while men require sexual intimacy to feel loved.
Let's delve further into precisely what men derive from sexual intimacy. Undoubtedly, there's the aspect of physical pleasure, but beneath that lies a deeper yearning that is being fulfilled. I refer to it as the need for a secure haven.
The realm of men is inherently competitive. At its fundamental level, males engage in competition with other males to gain access to the most sought-after females. Males take the initiative, and it is the females who determine which males they will welcome.
While in contemporary times these roles have become less stringent than they once were, in many cases, whether we're considering peacocks or individuals, we engage in displays of our qualities and hope they prove appealing enough to be chosen by the women we pursue.
Being welcomed into her presence provides us with a feeling of tranquility and a sense of returning to a place of belonging that extends far beyond mere sexual gratification.
It's important to note that I'm specifically addressing heterosexual men in this context. While there exists a comparable dynamic within the gay community, my emphasis here will center on interactions between men and women.
Many of us can recall those initial school dances we attended. If you desired the chance to embrace a girl, you had to embark on that daunting journey across the room, with all eyes upon you, and extend an invitation to dance. If she accepted, it felt like paradise.
In contrast, a refusal could feel like a descent into the depths of disappointment. The crucial point to highlight here is that in order to experience the intimacy of holding and being held by a girl, you had to open yourself up to the possibility of rejection.
As we reach adulthood, most of us have already endured the trials and tribulations of a world steeped in rivalry and the sting of rejection. We yearn for that sanctuary where we no longer need to feign something we're not simply to be selected.
Our hearts ache for someone who perceives us as our true selves and desires us regardless, someone who can embrace not only our physical form but also reach the depths of our hearts and souls with their touch.
The constant pursuit of sex is a facet of the masculine image we project to demonstrate our sense of manhood. What we truly yearn for, however, is a haven where we can seek shelter, unwind, and receive care. In essence, we crave the sensation of being nurtured, something that many of us fell short of experiencing during our formative years.
Yet, acknowledging these needs can make us feel like little boys rather than the strong, grown men we aspire to be. It often seems more desirable to convey our masculinity through sexual desire, and once we find ourselves in her embrace, we can finally let down our guard, reveal our authentic selves, and be enveloped in the warmth of love. This concealed yearning emerges when we engage in the act of intimacy.
One of the cherished experiences I relish with my wife, Carlin, is reclining in her lap and enjoying the soothing sensation of having my scalp gently massaged. It's a beautiful and secure sanctuary, one where I don't require sexual intimacy to fulfill this particular need.
All I need to do is express my desire for it. In these moments, I am touched at a profound level, embraced wholeheartedly. There's no need for me to demonstrate or validate myself; I need only embrace the vulnerability of the moment.
Just as it can be challenging for men to request moments of being held, nurtured, and touched, it can also be a complex task for women to offer this level of intimacy, often due to three primary, albeit subconscious, reasons:
Firstly, women are influenced by their own conditioning regarding what it means for a man to be a man. When a man doesn't express a desire for sexual intimacy, women may sometimes worry that it's because they aren't perceived as attractive enough.
Secondly, when a man seeks to be held and nurtured, it can evoke feelings as though they are dealing with a boy rather than a fully grown man. Frequently, I encounter clients who express sentiments such as, "It's almost like I have three kids in the house – our two sons and my husband." Women indeed desire a partner who embodies masculinity but can sometimes fear they have another child to care for.
Thirdly, there exists an apprehension among women that men who don't feel sufficiently masculine may be prone to insecurity and vulnerability. They are aware that some men, despite initially revealing gentleness and vulnerability, may respond with anger and rage later, particularly those who feel weak or powerless.
Acknowledging the need for a secure sanctuary where they can receive love, care, and nurture from a woman is a process that often necessitates considerable time and maturity for men. It requires substantial courage to communicate to their partners that while they may desire sexual intimacy, their deeper need revolves around feelings of security, love, and nurturance.
It reflects a level of wisdom that recognizes allowing oneself to be as vulnerable as a child can, paradoxically, be the epitome of masculinity for a man.
In a woman's journey, she, too, needs to transcend her own societal conditioning and be receptive to a man who is embracing vulnerability in novel ways. She must possess a substantial amount of self-love and self-assurance to welcome the role of a secure sanctuary.
Additionally, she must exhibit resilience to safeguard herself when his initial vulnerability transforms into feelings of anxiety, anger, or despondency.
Both men and women face formidable challenges when venturing into these uncharted emotional territories. However, the ultimate reward is a lifetime filled with the continuous growth of profound love and intimacy.
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