The Secret To Long-Term Desire In A Relationship.

 “Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.”

Eight years in the past, the renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel delivered an extraordinary TED talk on the challenges of maintaining desire, attracting nearly 6 million viewers to date. The reason behind its widespread appeal is evident.

Nurturing desire within a relationship poses a formidable challenge. Consider this: How do you ignite a longing for something someone already possesses? That's the conundrum.

In enduring relationships, a natural decline often takes hold over time. Human nature leans toward the pursuit of novelty. Esther, in her TED talk, highlighted the dual needs within us. On one side, we seek security, predictability, safety, dependability, reliability, and permanence. 

On the other, there's a yearning for novelty, a dash of chaos, suspense, and adventure. Effectively sustaining desire demands skill in balancing these opposing forces inherent in human nature.

Desire Needs Space.

One key concept that Perel delved into during her presentation emphasizes the significance of space in maintaining desire. Similar to how fire requires air to intensify, desire also thrives on the availability of space. While this might seem apparent or straightforward in theory, the reality presents a different challenge.

Consider this: Our natural inclination is to closely engage with and surround ourselves with the things we like, desire, or find attractive. This instinct is evident when people crowd around at concerts, striving to see or touch a celebrity. 

When we love someone, the inclination is typically to be close, not to give them space. However, Perel argues that sustaining desire necessitates creating a space to traverse or a destination to explore.

Drawing on her extensive experience with couples, Perel noted that, upon questioning, most admit to finding their partners most alluring when they are in their element—whether on stage singing, playing the piano, or hosting a talk show. 

Why is this the case? Because when your partner is in their element, you can join others in admiring them, almost as though they weren't yours. In that moment, even though you already have them, you allow yourself to experience desire and longing for them.

Calibrating Expectation.

Esther, during an interview with Lewis Howes, stressed the significance of learning to adjust your expectations as a crucial element in fostering a successful relationship.

So, what does it mean to calibrate your expectations? When expectations are excessively high, whether in a business or relationship context, individuals often set themselves up for disappointment. 

Many enter into relationships with the desire for their partner to fulfill a multitude of roles – as playmates, trusted confidants, therapists, doctors, advisors, romantic partners, defenders, teachers, fathers, mothers, and more. However, these lofty expectations frequently result in unmet fantasies.

As Esther aptly pointed out, "Don't ask one person to give you what a whole community is supposed to give you." It's natural to want your partner to embody various roles, given the nature of the relationship. Nevertheless, this is where the importance of calibrating your expectations becomes evident.

Recognize that your partner cannot excel in all these roles. Everyone possesses strengths and weaknesses. While they may excel in certain aspects, they will inevitably fall short in others. Understanding and accepting these limitations is key to navigating the complexities of a relationship.

Novelty. 

“If you want to create intensity, it demands risk taking, doing new things, outside of your comfort zone, a little bit more on the edge.”

Maintaining desire in a relationship hinges on striking a harmonious balance between chaos and order—a principle applicable to various facets of life, not solely confined to relationships.

Consider the realm of business, for instance. Adopting a rigid approach, hesitating to embrace innovation and take calculated risks, may lead to being eclipsed by competitors, ultimately resulting in the demise of your business. 

Conversely, excessive risk-taking and rapid, drastic changes can also deal a detrimental blow to your business. The same principle holds true for relationships; infusing occasional novelty serves to sustain desire.

Novel Activates the Dopamine Reward Loop.

Within psychology, there exists a phenomenon known as the dopamine-seeking reward loop. This concept elucidates that when we undergo remarkable or intense experiences with individuals, we link the emotional resonance of that experience to the person with whom we shared it.

For instance, if you went skydiving with your partner and found it exhilarating, you will associate that thrill with your partner. Consequently, every time you recollect the experience, a smile will likely grace your face, and you might yearn to be with them again, even if they are not present.

This underscores the importance of actively seeking novel experiences in a relationship. Engaging in new and exciting activities provides your partner with moments to cherish and fantasize about. 

It cultivates a sense of craving, whereby, despite already having you, the mere thought of shared experiences intensifies their desire for you.

Grow With Your Partner.

A critical factor in sustaining desire within a relationship lies in selecting the right partner from the outset. Contrary to the common notion that we must focus on personal development in isolation before entering a relationship, Esther Perel challenges this as a myth. 

She contends that genuine growth occurs through interactive engagement with others, not in solitary endeavors. As she puts it, "Growth in a relationship is interactive. While self-awareness is essential, being in a relationship facilitates growth, as others contribute to your awareness."

A partner with whom you can undergo mutual growth is likely to stand by you during challenging times. When both individuals recognize that growth is a collaborative process, there's a shared awareness of the need to support each other, propelling the relationship toward its necessary evolution.

Choose Values Over Feelings.

Esther emphasizes that for a relationship to thrive, relying solely on emotions is insufficient; values carry greater significance. While initial attention is often directed towards the attraction experienced at the beginning of a relationship, the enduring success of the relationship is substantially influenced by the alignment of shared values. 

As she expressed to Lewis Howes, the search for the right partner extends beyond mere attraction—it centers on finding someone with whom you can construct a meaningful life.

Conclusion. 

Maintaining desire within a relationship demands intentional and continuous effort. It surpasses the initial impulsive attraction that sparked the connection. 

Given that desire serves as the essential fuel for the vitality of any relationship, every exertion directed towards nurturing it is invariably worthwhile.